They Should Keep Their Bedrooms Tidy! Is That True?
When my children were little, I found myself easily triggered when their bedrooms were messy. I would get mad, yell at my kids, and complain.
All I wanted was for my kids to pick up after themselves!
Now looking back, getting mad over a messy bedroom seems trivial. Yet, as a young mom, I remember going crazy over a lot of trivial things my kids did. At the time, little things like these seemed very important and justified.
I got mad when they didn't flush the toilet.
I got frustrated when they didn't make their bed.
I yelled over dirty socks on the floor.
I got mad when they didn’t empty their lunch containers.
I would yell when someone did not put their dishes in the dishwasher (no wait, that one is still on my trigger list.)
I was often irritable over the fear of "we're going to be late!"
Getting kids up, fed, and dressed before school can be a daily challenge. I remember yelling, which would prompt my kids to start yelling. It was a vicious circle. But all we were trying to do was get out the door. Maybe I wasn't yelling at my kids just because I wanted them to get out the door. Perhaps I was yelling because I just wanted to be heard.
My Parental Moment of Awakening
By the time I had three kids in school, and my youngest graduated out of diapers, I required some surgery. We searched and found an amazing nanny. I remember one of the first mornings being home from the hospital. I was shocked when I woke up at 9 am and realized I had not heard any of the school morning routines (and shouting). What was going on?
Somehow our nanny had got 4 kids out of bed, fed them breakfast, and sent 3 out the door to walk down our lane to get the bus (we live on a farm) — all without yelling.
If the nanny could manage the morning routine without yelling, then undoubtedly, I could too.
Why Do Parents Yell?
Seeing my kids successfully go to school in the morning without anyone yelling was the beginning of me asking myself, "Why am I yelling so much?"
The answer to this question didn't come to me overnight.
I had to look deep within myself to find the root cause as to why I got mad over things like a messy bedroom. My bedroom is not 100% super clean and tidy all the time. So why was I getting angry at my kids for not having a neat room all the time? Did I want my kids to be perfect? No, that didn't seem to be the answer.
How I Let Go Of My Triggers
Being busy with 4 kids meant that some days I forgot to pay attention to myself. So, I began reading self-help books, attending workshops, talks and taking courses. Over many years of suffering, I began to work at surrendering my need to be right for my need to be happy. When I was able to surrender my negative patterns of thinking, I opened myself up to seeing the triggering situations, like socks on the floor, in a new way. I began to witness what was really happening when I got angry about a messy bedroom.
The 7 Step Cycle to Freeing Yourself of Triggers
When we find ourselves upset and yelling over something our child has done or not done, here's what is commonly happening:
The Trigger. We are triggered by something our child has done or not done. i.e. did not clean up their bedroom.
Painful Thoughts. We have painful thoughts like, "They should keep their room clean, they should respect their space. It is my job to teach them to clean up after themselves. If their room is messy, I am not doing a good job as a mom."
Believing Our Thoughts. When we believe these thoughts (often unconsciously) it creates feelings of discomfort, possibly anger.
Looking For Blame. Feeling anger is uncomfortable so our mind looks for who or what we can blame for our discomfort. For example, we may easily conclude our anger is our child's fault for not cleaning up her bedroom.
Searching For A Solution. Now that we have found the apparent cause of our anger, we must find a solution to be happy. In this case, there needs to be a rule and consequences for a messy bedroom!
Formulating A New Rule. We tell our child about the rule. i.e., "If you don't clean up your room then...."
Policing Our Rules. Now that we have a rule, we need to police it. Why? Because if we don't, our children will keep living in a messy room, and if we enforce a punishment or threat, then they will always keep their rooms clean! Right? Clearly! sigh…
Does this process of being angry at your kids and policing rules sound exhaustingly familiar?
Maybe you don't get mad over a messy bedroom. Maybe instead it’s the constant reminders to do their chores, your child leaving socks on the floor, leaving dirty dishes in the sink, unfinished homework, forgetting to unpack their backpack, siblings fighting, not answering your texts or when your kids get in trouble at school.
Trying to control or police our child's behaviour does not teach our children responsibility and self-regulation. Yes, it may teach them things like cleaning skills (which are important), but in this case, it is within the context of threats and compliance.
I Am Never Upset For The Reason I Think
When I get upset, I often remind myself of my favourite quote from 'A Course in Miracles.'
"I am never upset for the reason I think."
So if I am not upset about a messy bedroom, then what am I upset about?
Investigating Anger… What is My Anger Trying to Tell Me?
Investigating our angry moments is crucial if we want to stop being angry.
Investigating our emotional responses to things allows us to look deeper than the story we believe we are upset about.
Investigating our anger allows us to discover the real cause for our anger, so a messy bedroom no longer upsets us. In this case, clearly my anger was not about a messy bedroom.
If we are willing to pause and look inward, it helps us to discover what is genuinely at the root of our upset. When we do this, it allows us to no longer be a victim of circumstances or other people’s choices. We can be happy no matter what, even living with a child with a messy bedroom.
Let's look at this process again and how we can make different choices to change the painful cycle so we can stop getting the same results.
The Trigger. A messy bedroom.
Possible Painful Thoughts. His room is messy again. How many times do I tell him to clean his room, and he doesn't? He doesn't listen to me. He is disrespecting me. My parents would never have let me keep a messy room. If he continues to live like this, no one will want to marry him. His wife will blame me for not teaching him to clean up after himself. She will call him a Mama’s Boy and she will think I did everything for him. (There are endless, painful thoughts that may enter your mind. Do any of these crazy ones sound familiar to you?)
Believing Our Thoughts. Believing painful thoughts like the ones above creates feelings of discomfort like anger, frustration, or fear.
Breathe - when your head is spinning with painful thoughts, and you are overwhelmed with negative emotions, STOP, and take a few deep breaths.
AN INVITATION. Here is where we break the original cycle. If you want to surrender your pain for happiness, then in your mind, set the intention to see this differently. Instead of looking for blame, we can now use the pain as an invitation to investigate what is really going on within ourselves. The messy bedroom is the trigger to our anger but not the cause of our anger.
Forgiveness. My definition of forgiveness is receiving a new perception of an old painful story. It is like a prayer or mantra: please give me, forgive (bring forth) to me a new way of seeing this because my way of interpreting this is causing me too much pain.
Receive. Keep breathing and open your mind to receiving a new perception. It may come when you overhear a conversation in the cashier line up. It may come when you open that parenting book someone lent you. It may occur when a more experienced parent shares her hindsight. It may come from a line spoken in a movie. It may come like a whisper in the wind. A new thought suddenly floods your mind that brings you peace.
*WARNING!
Finding Peace Doesn't Happen Overnight:
Skills Need To be Practiced Regularly
Your peaceful moment may be short-lived. You may notice not long after you receive a peaceful perception that your mind starts up in full throttle and you are back in the mental ditch with even more painful and scary thoughts like:
So this means they don't have to clean up after themselves?
Can they just live like pigs?
So I guess now I am stuck having to clean up their rooms?
Kids have to be taught responsibility, and their needs to be consequences if they don't clean up their rooms!
If people come over and see my child’s messy room what will they think?
If they don't clean up after themselves, they will never get a job.
They will end up living in our basement until their 30 something…
This is your mind going back into autopilot of being a victim. It takes a great amount of self-discipline to be in the driver's seat of your own mind. It is so easy to just slip back into victim and blame mode. After all, our minds can do it so effortlessly. It is often so oddly and comfortably familiar.
I have come across several strategies that have helped me get back in the driver's seat of my own mind. The number one strategy is the process I explained above. I have found it often takes multiple strategies and skillsets. No one way is perfect. I have found some work better than others at different times and in different circumstances.
As A Parent, Be Kind To Yourself and Practice Patience
As parents, we will likely not create peace around our triggers right away. We may end up opening our own "Pandora's box." Maybe that's what it takes to let go of our "default" values, beliefs, and perhaps pain we may be carrying from our childhood.
The good news is, if we are willing, our painful moments in parenting can lead us on a journey towards greater peace within ourselves and, in turn, within our homes.
STAY TUNED...
Stay tuned for more blogs where I will share tools in my mental wellness toolbox that I use when I am suffering, and my mind is in a painful place.