Recently I was with my teenage daughter, Olivia, at her high school for Parent-Teacher Interviews. As we were walking down the hall, we overheard a mom speaking angrily into her cell phone. She was telling the person on the line all the items they still needed to hand in and how there should be "no excuses!"

After trying hard not to eavesdrop, Olivia and I looked at each other with a sigh of sympathy. We both agreed, poor kid. How was humiliating a kid going to help them get his or her work completed in a more timely manner? I was also feeling empathy for the mother who was clearly feeling angry. It is very frustrating when our children aren't doing what we believe they should be doing. I must admit, when those moments arise in my home, I have had my share of starting into the "mini-lecture" that rarely results in what I want and always creates distance between myself and my child. So what is the solution?

How do we get our teens to want to excel

Olivia and I then went in to meet another one of her teachers. I had already met this teacher before as she taught my older son the previous year. Right away, the teacher (let's call her Ms. C) shared, "I remember you telling me last year that you don't worry about report card grade marks, you just teach and support your kids to develop their learning skills. You said if the learning skills on the report card are strong then the rest often takes care of itself".

Wow, my daughter and I exchanged a chuckle. Olivia was nodding her head agreeing, yes that is what Mom often says! Then Ms. C said she tries to encourage her students to be more independent at handing in their work and often tells her students what this mom said to her one time about the importance of learning skills.

Olivia and I both smiled at each other and shared with Ms. C how we just overheard a mother struggling and yelling into her cell phone about work not being handed in.

The teacher looked at me with a question on her face, like she was asking "So what do you do?" I took it as my cue to offer her more of my thoughts on this topic.

Treat Your Teenager With Respect

I shared with Ms. C that I find children are the same as adults in many ways. We all have needs. It doesn't matter if you are 5, 15, or 85. No matter what our age, we all have the same basic needs. One of those is the need for respect. It amazes me how many times I hear parents speaking rudely to their child and then complaining that their children are giving them “too much attitude.” Even more paradoxical is when I hear an adult demanding to be spoken to politely while speaking in a loud humiliating way to their child, threatening them with being grounded or privileges taken away if they don't stop and "smarten up."

I went on to say to the teacher that if my child was not handing in an assignment on time, I would first ask myself, "How would I want a loved one to respond to me if I was not getting something completed in a timely manner?"

I find by stopping and asking myself this first, it helps to prevent a mini-lecture, or as my kids and I have often called it, a "Captain Obvious" lecture. No child wants to hear all the reasons why it is important to hand assignments in on time and how this will impact their grades and their future. They know it already. Teenagers, in particular, have been in school long enough to be very aware that assignments are expected in on time, and when they are not, there are immediate and/or prolonged negative consequences. If I catch myself giving a mini-lecture, I know I forgot to check in with myself first to find out how I would want to be treated in this situation.

What is Your Teenager Trying to Tell You?

I went on to explain to Ms. C that, just like us, another need that children and teenagers have is the need to be heard. I suggested that before approaching my teen about a late assignment, I would first get curious. I would stop and wonder what is going on with her that is keeping her from handing the assignment in on time? Once again, I would need to ground myself with this question and approach her from a sincere place of love, concern, and curiosity. Otherwise, my approach could be interpreted by my child as me saying, "So what is wrong with you, anyway? Why can't you get your work done on time?"

My daughter's teacher nodded with a sincere smile of agreement and thanked me for my sharing. She said that was helpful, and she would need to remember that.

Our interview time was almost over, and we needed to focus on my daughter's performance this semester. When we left the interview, my mind went back to this topic. I noticed how often I hear parents, including myself, struggling and fighting with their children over them doing or not doing what we want them to do.

What is Your Teenager's Difficult Behaviour Really Saying?

My experience has taught me that when we are communicating through our words or actions, it all comes down to one of two messages. Our communication is either an offering of love or a cry for love. Most days, I don't think we are consciously aware of this. What I mean by that is when we are feeling good about ourselves and life in general, our communication tends to be kind, patient, and there is a willingness to offer help when possible. I call this state an "offering of love." If something is upsetting us, if we feel agitated, sad, or angry, now we are acting in a way that is painful for ourselves and often others. We may not be consciously intentionally reaching outwards for love; however, I call this behaviour "a cry for love."

Don't Make Their Undesirable Behaviours All About You

Here is the first challenge: as parents, we are so quick to take our kid's negative behaviour personally. We often assume our kids are blaming us for forgetting their homework, missing the bus, getting a bad grade, losing their job, or getting into a car accident. Down deep, is it possible we are blaming ourselves? (i.e. "If I were a good parent, they would have known better, they would have remembered, wouldn’t have… they would have… ") Sound familiar to anyone?

When we take our child's behaviour personally, we are no longer in a stable emotional state to truly hear what is going on with them. Instead, we have taken the child's problem and made it all about us, making it our problem. Then we stop listening and start defending ourselves and projecting blame back onto them.

For example, when they hear, "I'm sorry, but you need to get to bed earlier so you can get up in time for the bus! I can't keep waking you up every morning anymore!" then they know we aren't listening. We are too busy making ourselves a victim of their problem.

Negative Behaviours Are Just A Sign There Is Something To Investigate

We can spend a lot of time as parents wanting to fix a problem we see our child or teen having. However, the problem is never about "the problem." It is not about missing the bus, poor grades, incomplete assignments, or a negative peer group. These are all just a symptom of a problem. Even if we wanted to, trying to fix or solve their problems is not helpful. In fact, it impairs their ability to strengthen their problem-solving skills (a learning skill on my children’s report cards), and it distracts everyone from discovering what is really going on underneath these negative behaviours.

Negative Feelings Are an Indicator of Unmet Needs

Attached to unpleasant behaviours are negative feelings. Nonviolent Communication teaches us that when someone is expressing a negative feeling, it is a sign of an unmet need. When your teen doesn't hand in an assignment, you may ask them how they are feeling?

Frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, indifferent, discouraged… ?

What could their unmet needs be?

A need for understanding?

A need for acceptance?

A need for challenge?

A need for choice?

A need for creativity?

There are many possibilities. My experience is most children, teens, and adults are rarely aware of their own unmet need in a situation because they are too distracted thinking they are upset over the story they have in their heads. They think they are feeling frustrated because of the teacher, their mom, the boss, what that person did or didn't do. People often believe it is the circumstance that has upset them.

The circumstance, even a very severe one, is the trigger to our pain, not the cause of our pain.

Approach Your Teen With Concern and Genuine Curiosity

So now what? Let's go back to our outraged mom on the phone with her teen who missed handing in some assignments as an example of how to handle unwanted behaviours.

Be Respectful. How would you want someone to approach you, for example, your boss, with concerns about your incomplete work? My guess is you would want someone to approach you with kindness and care, not judgment and anger. You would not want a lecture on the importance of getting work done on time.
Get curious. Approach your child with sincere loving curiosity. Perhaps your first question could start with "Hey, I see you struggling. What's up?"
Listen Without Interruption. Listen, listen, listen. This one is tough. Not only staying verbally quiet but can you also stay silent within your head? Can you stop mentally coming up with a plan on how you are going to fix this even before they finish their story?
Reflect. When they are done, reflect what you heard your teen say. For example, "It sounds like when your teacher does not give you a choice on what to write about, you feel frustrated. Is that right?" If you heard him correctly, your child will have a new sense of calmness right away. If you didn’t listen or hear him correctly, he will be more agitated and want to leave. Stay calm, apologize for not understanding, and ask if he could please repeat what he said or explain more so you can try again.
Invite. With a sense of curiosity, you can invite your child to wonder what her unmet need is. You could offer, "I am wondering if you are frustrated because you need a choice and your teacher does not recognize your need to make choices when you write?" This may not be it, so be patient with yourself and do not get defensive if your child says that's not it. You can also just keep it open to sharing a thought out loud like, "I wonder what needs of yours are not being met in this situation?"

You may want to refer to the lists of feelings and needs found in Marshall Rosenberg's book entitled, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life. I find these lists very helpful to refer to when I am upset or my child is upset.

Addressing Unmet Needs

If you can help your child identify her feelings and unmet needs, then what? The trick is not to allow your mind to fall back into the story. We often fall into the trap of thinking the next step is figuring out how to change the teacher, the assignment, the job, the other person so we can get our needs met. Leaving teens (even young children) with questions like, "I wonder how you can get your needs met in this situation? I am sure you will figure out something." leaves them to manage their own feelings and become more independent problem solvers. I also try to add, "How do you want me to support you right now?" or "Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you." as they transition to being the drivers of their own lives.

Owning Your Part In Your Child’s Upset

If you find yourself triggered by your child's behaviour, also know there is something here for YOU to investigate, if you choose. I feel saddened by parents who are so upset about their children's behaviour and think it has nothing to do with them. This is NOT about parent BLAMING; this is about parent EMPOWERING. As a parent, if you can witness your own emotion of being upset and get curious by asking yourself, "Why am I so triggered by her not handing assignments in on time?", the sooner you will find peace as well.

Remember the Golden Rule

What I have shared would apply to a young child, a teenager, an adult child, even a spouse or friend. Feelings and needs affect us all, no matter what our age. If this all seems a little overwhelming, if when communicating with your child you feel charged, then just take a deep breath and come back to the Golden Rule. Ask yourself, "If I was in their shoes right now, what would I want my parents to say? What would I want them to understand? What would I want them to do? When I was a teen, what did I need from the adults in my life when I was struggling with school work, friendships, peer pressure or that first heartbreak?"

My children are now 20, 18, 15, and 12. The one thing I know for sure, the older my children become, the more I need to talk less and listen more.

So, if all else fails, stop talking, let go of the mini lectures and start truly listening with no plans to rescue, minimize or take away their problems. Challenges in life are a gift to learning and growing. If we try to take away our children’s problems and pain, we rob them of valuable learning and growth.

Why Is My Teenager Acting This Way?