Dealing With A Bully? Strategies for Bully Prevention Week
Throughout the year, we hear announcements claiming it is Bully Prevention Month, Week, or a special day or event happening in recognizing the need to stop bullying in our schools and communities.
In Canada, Bully Prevention week is November 18-24th. Once again, this issue is brought to the surface. We notice the issue of Bullying in classrooms, the playground, arenas, and various other places, yet what are we to do about it?
Many books and articles have been written about how to address the Bully. Dozens of programs have been written and implemented in schools about how to stop the Bully.
Why haven't bullies disappeared? We have all these programs, books, experts and talks, but yet the Bully is still around.
The Bully is often seen as the enemy who we must conquer. Parents of the victims to bullying often coach their child to retaliate to teach the Bully a lesson, to “give him a piece of his own medicine”, as the expression goes. That may appear to work for that bullied child but only because the Bully has moved on to more easily intimidating victims. It doesn't stop the bullying.
Why Zero Tolerance to Bullying Doesn't Work
In recent years, many school boards decided to take on a "Zero Tolerance" to any sort of bullying or violence in schools. It is a strong, no-nonsense approach that deems any violence unacceptable. Immediate and often harsh punishment is to be implemented.
So how is that working for us? Are bullies still around?
Why do we continue to believe that inflicting unpleasant consequences on a child for inflicting unpleasant consequences on another child, works?
It would seem that adults are taking "an eye for an eye." For thousands of years, countless leaders have walked this planet, asking us to let go of this punitive approach. As Gandhi said, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind."
If harsh punishments were the answer, bullying would have been abolished centuries ago.
But obviously, this approach to preventing bullying is not working.
Our blindness seems to continue when we believe punishing a child will stop them from bullying another. The cause of bullying is not due to a lack of punishment. The cause of bullying is actually due to a lack of love.
So what are we to do?
How do we stop bullying?
I love teaching music and drama to students in Kindergarten to Grade 3. On the surface, it may appear as though that is all I am teaching. However, every day, I intentionally incorporate songs and activities to assist students in developing the skills they need to not be "the bully, the bullied, or the bystander."
Each class I teach begins with the "Good Morning Song." No matter which song I use for this opening activity, the task is the same for the students. During the song, they are to walk around the room and greet all of their classmates by the time the song is completed.
I teach them to put their shoulders back and walk with a smile. They are encouraged to get grounded and feel confident. The first job is to make eye contact with the other person and smile. Then they have four choices in which to greet their classmates.
A right-handed handshake
A high 5
Say "namaste" with their hands in prayer pose, slightly bending in front of their friend, making sure their eyes say "the light in me sees the light in you."
Ask for a hug.
They love it. What has this got to do with bully prevention?
Bully Prevention
A bully is a person who has an unmet need. It can vary from bully to bully, but for the most part, I am going to guess that most bullies are in need of acceptance, connection, a sense of belonging, recognition, appreciation, and/or love, to name a few.
During the "Good Morning Song," I am making eye contact with the students, smiling and telling them in various ways, "I see you, and I am so glad you are here." One of the things that the research shows us about violence is that children who bully are children who report a lack of community or a sense of belonging.
I explain to my students that when we reach out to all of our classmates, when we make eye contact and smile, even at the kid who is often mean to us, it decreases the chances that "the bully" would ever choose us to pick on. When children are feeling a negative emotion like lonely, troubled, or angry, they look to someone who appears weak and easy to pick on as a way of trying to fill their emptiness. They are highly unlikely to pick on the person who is confidently smiling at them.
I also explain to my students that the Bully is someone with an unmet need trying to get a need met in a destructive way. When we can see the good in everyone, when we can include everyone, it decreases the need for the lonely, struggling, or angry child to bully anyone.
I have heard many "bullying" students, tell me things like:
"They don't want me to play with them."
"I'm stupid."
"I hate myself."
"Nobody likes me!"
When we can look at a person in the eye and see past the stories we have about them, we then see a fellow human being trying to make it on this human journey, just like us. When I do this with a struggling child, I often ask them, "Now are you ready to let go of the story that nobody likes you? I like you." If they become more agitated, their minds aren't ready to let go of a story they have often spent years proving right. Often, however, the struggling child will respond with tears of exhaustion as they open their minds to consider letting go of their painful identity.
Our mental dialogue and beliefs about ourselves drive our behaviour. When "Bullies" have moments of letting go of the painful stories they have about themselves, their behaviour changes in an instant. They then begin to receive evidence otherwise. Evidence that supports thoughts like:
"I do have some friends."
"Some kids do like me."
"I am okay."
Children who believe these thoughts do not bully.
More "Bully Prevention" Strategies
The activity we do at the end of my music class is another great bully prevention strategy. At the end of each class, we perform some mindful breathing and movements to help us let go of any stress or tension in the body. Then we consciously take deep breaths connecting to our hearts. I invite the students to fill their hearts with love, to feel the love expanding so significantly that is is now bursting out of them. I remind them that we can not give what we don't have, so our first job is to love and take care of ourselves so we can then love and take care of others. Acts of service contribute greatly to feelings of self-worth and purpose. These are characteristics shared by people who report themselves to be mentally well, not by people victimizing another.
Once we have finished the breathing exercise, we open our eyes and offer love to one another. I pick a name out of a jar of popsicle sticks and invite the child whose name I picked to come up to the front. As the child stands at the front, he or she listens to us all share stories of what we appreciate about him or her. I offer the young students various ways to express their appreciation like "I feel (positive feeling) when you ________.” I encourage them to give the person at the front specific examples of what you appreciate rather than "I feel good that you are my friend." The more detailed feedback we can offer, especially to the children struggling to be a friend, the better. So I may ask what makes a good friend? Can you tell him/her what s/he says or does that makes this person a friend in your mind?
Sometimes children offer what they appreciate in a negative way. For example, "I like it when you don't be mean." I suggest that this is "good to know" for the recipient; however, I then ask, "Can you tell him what it is you DO like? What does he do that you enjoy?" Children who bully are often lacking in social skills and empathy. They think laughing at someone who fell is funny, often not knowing that the person on the floor deems this as "mean." Receiving this feedback helps open them up to hearing the impact their actions have on others and what they can do instead to meet their need for acceptance and inclusion by their peers.
After several weeks, once everyone has had a turn being appreciated, including the classroom teacher, then I turn the task around. When I pick a name, the person chosen now comes up to the front and gives appreciation to his or her classmates. What have I found? The children who are known to be "The Bully", or at least are known to have few friends, often struggle. They struggle to see the good in their classmates. Why? Because what we see in others is often a mirror image of what we see in ourselves. When we can't see the good in ourselves, how can we see it in others?
How To Focus More On Gratitude In Our Lives
If they are struggling to offer appreciation, I assure them that gratitude is like a muscle in our brain. If we struggle to be grateful and offer appreciations, then this is really good feedback. Now we know we need to exercise this part of our brain more. When we do, it will be stronger, and sharing appreciations will get easier. I also tell them that people who report having happy lives also report that they make a point of being grateful many times a day.
After several weeks of giving appreciation, I ask students, "How does it feel to give out appreciations?" Many have reported that it feels even better to offer appreciations to others than to receive appreciations. Ah yes, just like my Grandma Ruby used to say, "It is always better to give than to receive." Why is that? Because in the giving, we receive.
I have been doing "Appreciations" at the end of each of my music classes for over three years now. Most days, I witness children light up like a Christmas tree. The confident, well-liked children just smile and knowingly take it all in. There are no surprises for them. They already like themselves and believe they are kind, and so that is what they show us.
I have seen "bullies" make jokes in an awkward way, struggling to hear good things about themselves. I have also seen "bullies" break down in tears and tell me they didn't know anyone saw anything good in them.
It is a powerful exercise that never gets old.
How To Prevent Bullying
As our attention turns to "Bully Prevention Week," what can you do to help prevent bullying in our schools, arenas, communities, and homes? How can we help children prevent bullying, as well? Here are some suggestions:
1. Help your children see past the stories they have about the "Bully"
2. Then ask them, "Who do they see now?"
3. Let go of the labelling someone as a "Bully" and see the person as a fellow human being.
4. Get curious and ask yourself, what stories or thoughts might the Bully be believing that is creating that destructive behavior?
5. Recognize the Bully is someone trying to meet an unmet need in a destructive way.
6. Ask if there is any way they can help the individual struggling to meet his or her needs? (Without compromising their own? Otherwise, that can build resentment).
As adults, we must be careful to role model these steps as well. If your child comes home complaining about a bully, share out loud things like, "When I see past this story about him I see…" Express thoughts like "I wonder what thoughts she is believing about herself to behave that way? I wonder what need he is trying to get met?"
Empathy and Compassion are Vital Components to Bullying Prevention
When we role model empathy and compassion with our children, then they, too, can build those same skills. Empathy and compassion not only prevents them from being bullied but also prevents them from being the Bully. Even when kids are struggling to meet their needs like acceptance or recognition, they are less likely to be destructive towards another if empathy and compassion have been role modelled. Role model to your kids the importance of seeing others as fellow human beings, who just like us, struggle to get their needs met from time to time. It does not make the behaviour acceptable, it makes it understandable.
It really all comes down to the Golden Rule. When we are struggling with believing painful thoughts, when we, in turn, project our pain and are less than kind to others, how would we like others to treat us? With harsh words and punishment? Or words of assurance and offerings of support? When we are struggling to meet our need for choice, respect, self-worth, or maybe play, and are behaving in a destructive way, how would we want others to respond? Would punishing us prevent this behaviour from erupting again? Would it perhaps add to further frustrations, resentment and potentially more destructive behaviour? Or would understanding and support with managing the painful thoughts in our head be more helpful?
I have participated in many spiritual and religious events. Once while listening to a wise Jewish man, I had a profound "a-ha" moment. Rabbi Ted shared with the audience, "The enemy is someone you have not listened to."
What is the enemy trying to say?
What is the Bully trying to say?
How about we start with one simple step?
Just listen...