Ways To Ease Your Mind and Deepen Your Relationships
After writing a blog called "The Side Effects of Making Painful Assumptions", I had a friend and business colleague, Lori Frank, reach out to share with me how much she enjoyed reading my blog.
Lori runs her own business as a Mediator, and she thought the topic was very relevant for her clients. She often hears her clients make painful assumptions about what others thinking. She also admitted that it is easy for herself to make assumptions, and the blog was a good reminder that she needed to be aware of her thoughts. As a mediator, Lori needs to continue to be mindful of her thoughts so she doesn't make assumptions about what her clients might be thinking.
After talking back and forth, Lori and I decided to do an interview together where we discuss assumptions and how to break free of them. You can watch the interview here.
What Are Assumptions?
Assumptions are stories we have created in our minds. Most days, we believe these stories are true. The stories we create act as "the truth" rather than "a truth". We interpret other people's words and actions through our own beliefs aka stories. For example, if we believe we are very competent in a task and someone comes along and questions what we are doing, we may make the assumption, "Clearly they think I am not capable of doing this, so they had to stick their nose into it." However, if we are doing a task, we feel very competent in, and someone comes along to questions us, we might instead assume "Isn't that nice that they were checking in to see if I needed help?"
The two examples are the same scenario, yet different assumptions — both interpretations of the same event dependent on our beliefs about ourselves and others.
An Example of Making Assumptions
Some days when I am teaching a class of 20 or so young children, it can get loud. Why? Because they are kids, and it is normal for kids to get a bit noisy when they are grouped in a classroom. However, as a teacher, it is essential to manage it.
Many of my teacher training sessions share classroom management strategies on how to keep a class quiet. However, I find that for some reason, adults have made the painful assumption that a calm classroom means children are well-behaved students. These adults associate a quiet classroom with well-behaved students to a healthy learning environment. Therefore, if a classroom is quiet, the Teacher must be excellent.
On the other hand, adults will associate a loud class to misbehaving students, where not a lot of learning is going on. Therefore the teacher must be in-experienced or just not very good. A loud classroom does not mean the teacher is not good at his or her job and that there is no learning going on. This is far from the truth. Unfortunately, this old and outdated paradigm seems to be ingrained in my "teacher DNA.", residing somewhere in my subconscious mind.
How We Create Evidence To Support Our Painful Assumptions
Since I started teaching music and drama, the belief that a calm classroom equals a healthy learning environment has caused me great suffering. When I enter a classroom, students are often excited to see me. Some are excited and curious about what we are going to do with the instruments I am carrying, some students are excited about not sitting in their desks for the next 50 mins, some are excited about singing, more movement, playing instruments and conversations that are often required with music and drama.
My classes are rarely quiet.
If my classes are loud, does this mean there is little learning going on? Not at all. Yet as soon as there is a lot of noise, particularly talking, I can start to feel agitated. Even as I look around and see students on task talking, singing, laughing and/or exploring instruments, I suddenly find the need to quiet them. Why? Because I was trained to believe thoughts that is what a good teacher does. If they don't quiet down quickly, and if I am not conscious of my thinking, I can start to make some very painful assumptions like:
“I am not a good teacher. They are being loud and not listening to me because I am not their classroom teacher. They don't see me as a real teacher.”
And then guess what happens? I raise my voice and behave in a way that a "not very good teacher" would behave. Isn't it interesting how we create evidence to support our painful assumptions?
It takes a lot of conscious effort on my part to stop and question my thinking when I am suffering. If I don't, in this case, I surrender my power and blame the students for my discomfort. I may believe my upset is their fault. I may believe thoughts like:
"If only they listened to me! If only they were better behaved!"
Needing other people to change their behaviour in order to feel happy again is a guaranteed path to endless suffering.
What To Do When Trapped in a Painful Assumption?
For me, I find I need to make it a frequent practice to stop and question my thinking.
Some religious theology refers to heaven and hell as a place we may arrive at after our human experience is over. I don't believe that heaven or hell are physical locations. To me, they are simply states of being.
In each and every moment, our thoughts can put us in a state of heaven or a state of hell. We've all been there, perhaps numerous times in one day. If we believe the thought, "I'm going to be late, and everyone will think I am a negligent person," we might now be in a state of hell. If we take a deep breath and believe the thought "I will arrive at the perfect time for myself and others," now we may be feeling peacefully in a state of heaven. The circumstances didn't change; only our thinking.
An Unquestioned Mind is Painful
In my interview with Lori Frank, I shared one of the best resources I have discovered for taking myself out of my painful assumptions. It involves doing "The Work" by Byron Katie. She offers people four questions to ask themselves when they are suffering. The four questions are:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it is true?
How do you feel when you believe that thought? i.e. "I am not a good teacher, mother, wife…"
Who would you be if you couldn't think that thought? (In other words, if I could take that thought out of your head and you are back in that same circumstance, who are you now? How are you feeling and behaving now as that Teacher? Mother? Wife?)
You can learn more about Byron Katie’s technique on her website or see one of many examples of Byron doing The Work on Youtube.
I have supported many people work through the free worksheet on her website and in turn, freeing themselves from their own painful assumptions.
Breaking Free From Painful Assumptions
When I am suffering, another effective way I can break free of my pain is first to stop and take a deep breath. I then watch myself like I am watching a movie. Like I am a third non-biased party with no agenda in deciding who is right or wrong, with no agenda for myself or anyone else — just witnessing.
I ask myself, what story am I believing and living in my head right now instead of living in this moment?
Then what? Sometimes I have a need to share my painful thinking with someone else as I can't always pull myself out of my own assumptions by myself. Sometimes I have a strong need to share my painful assumptions with the person I am feeling angry or upset towards.
In my interview with Lori, I mentioned that I learned another powerful strategy after watching a talk by Brene Brown on Netflix called “The Call to Courage.” Brene Brown shared that in her research, she discovered that people who report high levels of resilience, as well as high satisfaction in their relationships, share a similar strategy. When sharing their painful assumptions they have about what another person is thinking; these people tend to begin their dialogue with a sentence that starts something like this:
"So the story I am telling myself right now is…"
Firstly, they take ownership of their own painful assumptions they have about another person. Secondly, this allows the listener to not get defensive or assume that they are being blamed or responsible for the other person’s suffering. When the need to defend is diminished, the ability to empathize and listen is increased, and therefore, more productive and meaningful conversations can arise. As a result, there is a sense of deeper connection in the relationship.
I have tried this sentence starter a few times. When I have used it with my husband Scott, it has made a significant difference in the direction of our conversations. For example, try hearing and feeling the difference in these two sentences:
"Why didn't you answer my text!? You can’t even find the time to answer me? Clearly, you don't care about me."
vs.
"When you didn't answer my text, the story I started telling myself is that I am just a pain in the neck to you. I started believing the thought I am such a burden to you and you wish I would just leave you alone."
In the second example, Scott is now able to listen as an observer of my upset rather than believing that I am suggesting he is the cause of my upset. He can now be the listener, rather than the victim. We also both know that him not answering my text was the trigger to my upset, not the cause.
Our suffering is always an invitation to question our minds to see what is really going on within ourselves.
That is, if we are brave enough and if we are truly ready to set ourselves free of our pain. When we continue to blame others, we continue to surrender our power.
Take Back Your Power
Sometimes I hear people share that they have been diagnosed with a mental health condition and then describe themselves as if they are forever a victim of this diagnosis. It sounds like they believe they are their diagnosis rather than someone with a mind who is managing challenging symptoms. We all have mental health issues to varying degrees.
However, is our mental health a definition of who we are?
Since we have a body, we have varying health issues to manage. We need to do certain things to maintain optimal health, even if you have been diagnosed with something. The mind is the same thing. Since we have a mind, we have mental health issues to manage. Managing our mental health involves things like being aware when we are making assumptions, and then consciously doing things to address this painful mental practice in order to keep our minds healthy. It is about greater self-awareness and ongoing skill-building.
How To Take Our Power Back
We take our power back when we use our suffering to alert us to stop sabotaging ourselves and to become more self-empowered. We take our power back when we no longer use our labels as excuses for pain but instead motivators for healing.
Thank you, Lori, for a fun and insightful discussion on freeing ourselves of painful assumptions and creating a more peaceful life for ourselves and our loved ones.
Be sure to check out our interview here.
