Supporting Your Child or Teenager Through a Meltdown
I remember when my kids were little I would really struggle with knowing what to do when they were having a temper tantrum or having some sort of meltdown. I remember feeling a range of emotions like confusion, frustration, anger, and, if we were out in public, embarrassment. I would try many strategies like ignoring them, dismissing or minimizing whatever it was they were upset about, I would try to distract them with a toy, bringing up a new topic, or offering them food. Of course, if we were in public, one of my first strategies was bribery… “If you stop screaming Mommy will get you…”
My kids and I can laugh about it now, but I also used a strategy which was awful, and in fact, I am embarrassed to confess. I did this one when they were having a meltdown at home and I was in a moment of complete “end of my rope” desperation. I would pull out our home video camera, turn the viewing screen so they could see it and press record. My thinking at the time was if they could hear and see what I hear and see, they would realize how much they were torturing me and stop. Crazy me, what was I thinking? I am certain you are not surprised when I tell you that this only added gas to the fire. They would scream, “Turn that off!!!” at the top of their lungs. To add even more embarrassment to my confession, in order to stop their sudden augmented screams (that, of course, had nothing to do with my behaviour) I would threaten that I would show this video to their teacher if they didn’t stop screaming. I have NO idea why they didn’t instantly sit crossed-legged on the floor turning into peaceful and loving Buddhas. Finally and sadly, the other common “last resort” strategy I used was to put them in the rooms and tell them they couldn’t come out “until you stop crying.”
Alternatives to Time Outs
I always promised myself that I would parent from “The Golden Rule”, in other words, I would do my best to treat my children the way I would want to be treated. At some point early on in my parenting, I realized that I was often NOT doing that when it came to dealing with temper tantrums. All of these strategies were not what I would want someone to do to me if I was very upset about something.
So why did I use these “behaviour modifying” strategies?
Because at the time, my goal was cruel so therefore, my actions followed. What was my goal? To get them to stop crying, stop being angry, stop behaving that way, stop feeling whatever it was they were feeling because it was making me uncomfortable.
In other words, “Stop feeling what you are feeling so I can feel good about myself! As a parent, my job is to control your behaviour. Your screaming makes me feel fearful because I think I might be a bad parent and that’s not ok! Wait, maybe I am a bad parent. So now that I think I might be a bad parent, I start behaving in a way that might make me a bad parent....”
Of course, I was not conscious of this thinking at the time. It is amazing how as humans, our behaviours follow our thoughts. Whatever we believe about ourselves is what we show to others. Unfortunately, some of our most painful thoughts and beliefs are buried down so deep we often are not aware of them which explains the times we act in ways we don’t even understand ourselves. Those times we ask ourselves, “Why did I do that? What was I thinking?”
Back then I honestly believed that my goal was to get them to stop crying, stop having a fit, rescue them from the painful emotion they were feeling. I had to fix them! I mean, that’s the goal, right? Good kids are happy and grateful all the time. Just like adults! Right?
Why is it that our expectations for our children’s emotions and behaviours are often far superior to what we are able to demonstrate to them in our day to day lives?
What is Your Goal When Your Child is Having a Meltdown?
When stopping their crying and screaming was no longer the goal… everything changed.
Treating Children With Love and Respect
When they started to have a meltdown, I would take a deep breath and ask myself, “How would I want to be treated in this situation?” I would remember a time when I was a kid and had been very upset about something or I would think about something more recent. I would then imagine what I would appreciate my spouse or friends doing or saying if I was upset. Things like listening, letting me know they heard me, empathizing, and depending on my frame of mind at the time, I might appreciate someone reassuring me that a solution will come or reminding me that this too shall pass.
Then I imagined how I would feel if, when I was very upset about something, my husband or friend tried to dismiss or minimize my feelings, distract me with some other story, or offer me food or a treat if I stopped crying. I imagined my husband pulling out the video camera to tape me crying so I would know how much I was upsetting him or worse, telling me I needed to go to our room for a time out until I stopped crying and only come out when I am happy again.
How awful, how unbelievably cruel! Who would want to live with someone who treated you like that? So why do we treat children like that?
Suddenly, the answers to managing a toddler temper tantrum, a child’s meltdown, or a teenager's anger, seemed much more obvious. However, I must emphasize that the strategies that followed did NOT come easy. Yes, the concept is simple, treat them the way you would want to be treated, but implementing a new way of perceiving the situation and using new strategies takes conscious effort and hard work. Breaking out of “auto-pilot” reacting requires great desire and stamina.
Conscious parenting is exhausting AND SO rewarding.
In order to be a more conscious parent, I read books, went to workshops, sought out training and skills to support me and my children more effectively. I also sought out and asked questions to mothers a few years ahead of me who appeared to be parenting the way I wanted to parent. I call these women my “Mother mentors”, and if you don’t have one or two already, I highly suggest you find at least one. After all, “it takes a village to raise a child” and if you don’t already have a supportive village then start creating your own.
I have come to realize that my strategies are much the same no matter what the age of the person experiencing the negative emotion because my goal is the same no matter what the age, treat the other (child, teen, or adult) with love and respect.
Here is the other important thing to realize… your toddler, child, teenager, or anyone else who is experiencing a negative emotion is experiencing the meltdown for the same reason…
We experience a negative emotion when we have an unmet need we are trying to get met.
For example, I have discovered some of the most common needs children are trying to get met is a need for understanding, a need for choice, a need for autonomy, a need for connection with us, a need for trust, and/or possibly a need for love.
If you want to read more about this, I would strongly recommend exploring the work of Marshall Rosenberg, who founded Nonviolent Communication.
Learning the principles of Nonviolent Communication has changed my life and brought a huge amount of peace into my parenting experience and my home as well as my teaching career, and personal life.
How to Support A Child or Teenager Having A Meltdown
I am going to use the example of a child or teenager having a meltdown triggered by schoolwork. Homework is a common trigger in many homes. Notice I did not say “cause” to meltdowns, homework can be a “trigger” to meltdowns but NOT the cause.
Here are strategies you can use the next time your child is “losing it”.
Let’s assume your child starts screaming, “I hate this school work! I don’t want to do this!”...
Take a deep breath and remember the Golden Rule - Ask yourself if I was really upset about something (their school work may be a trigger for you too so this might not be too hard to imagine), how would I want someone to respond? If I was “losing it” and my spouse was standing there, how would I want to be supported?
Validate - Simply validating her feelings will help her to begin to calm down. If, for example, your child is yelling, “I hate this assignment! It’s so dumb! I don’t want to do it! I hate my teacher, she makes us do dumb things! I hate this, I’m so sick of this. I’m NOT doing it!....” You might say something like, “It sounds like you are really frustrated with your schoolwork right now. It doesn’t make sense and you really don’t want to do it.”
Empathize - I am sure you can remember many times you did not want to do something so you might say something like, “Ya, that sounds tough. It’s so exhausting when we have to do something that we don’t want to do.”
CAUTION - AVOID making their problem all about you and start rambling to them about how you have lots of things in life you don’t like to do but still need to do them (remember what you would want if you are upset and this would NOT be the support you would want to hear.)
The beauty in silence - When your child is upset, TALK LESS, and LISTEN MORE. This is not the time for mini-lectures on the importance of schoolwork or being responsible. That will only add gas to the fire. When a child is upset, LISTENING is key, so stop talking. Remember it is ok for them to feel anger or any other negative emotions. Your silence will offer your child the chance to develop the skills to manage her own emotions. Trying to stop her anger or trying to fix the situation like complaining to the teacher on her behalf, will only rob your child of valuable learning. (Although supporting them in speaking to their teacher might be a possible solution your child comes up with)
Validate, Empathize, Pause, Repeat - If after one round of validating statements, empathizing, and just staying silent in a loving way, you still hear lots of anger, then repeat the process. With lots of pauses in order to allow him the time and space to manage his emotions, quietly and calmly offer more validating and more empathizing. Notice if this is helping him to calm down. If it appears he may be on a rampage for longer than YOU can stay calm and not get triggered, then offer a supportive way to exit.
Exiting statement - You might say something like, “So I hear this is really frustrating you. I am going to go finish up my work. I will come back later and see how you are doing. In the meantime, if you think of a way I can support you then just let me know.”
Planting a seed of self-confidence - As you are leaving your child you might want to plant a seed of self-confidence like, “I know this is tough and I am confident you will come up with a way to solve this problem.” OR “I remember that you have been in tough situations like this before and you got through them, I know you will get through this one too.” Perhaps adding one more time, “and if you think of a way I can help, please let me know.”
WARNING - You might hear your child make suggestions that are not an option for you like, “Ya well, you can NOT make me do this stupid school work then!” or “How about you just do this for me!” Don’t argue with these comments telling him why you can’t do his work or why she has to do her own work (they already know.)
Either ignore the comments and walk away or use the comments as a sign that your child may need another round of validation and empathy. However, if you feel you are getting to the end of your fuse, silently walk away.
Please Realize - Your child is NOT having a meltdown to make your life miserable. Your child is doing the best he can to get his needs met. Perhaps the need for choice, the need for shared understanding, the need for connection with you…? Children are just like us, we are all trying to get our needs met and when we are not getting our needs met sometimes we behave in ways which may appear irrational. Once you are aware of her needs, let’s use the example of a need for choice, then you can help support her in finding ways to have more choice around her school work i.e. when she does it, what order she does it, help her brainstorm possible suggestions she might ask her teacher on amending an assignment in a way that meets her learning needs, etc. (I always say it never hurts to ask, the worst thing the teacher can say is “no”.)
One last tip - A meltdown is often the tip of the iceberg. Just like us, children tend to have meltdowns when many things have built up and now they just can’t cope. There could be a lot more going on here. It takes learning how to use communication skills effectively in order to support children in discovering what is really underneath their meltdowns.
