Does your child behave in a way that really upsets you? Do you find yourself frequently frustrated? Have you tried talking to them, explaining why their behaviour is not ok, offered them rewards to stop or threatened punishments if they didn’t? Do you feel like a broken record? Do you find yourself wanting to stop nagging, but they just won’t listen!?

What can you do?

Common Strategies That DON’T Create Positive Lasting Change and Why

Punishment

A common practice in dealing with difficult behaviours is punishments. Many parents today likely experienced various punishments as a child. If you did something deemed wrong or bad according to an adult, you likely received some sort of punishment, like withdrawn privileges, a possession is taken away, time removed from pleasurable activity, time isolated from family, or perhaps physical punishment. And what is wrong with that? After all, if kids don’t receive some sort of punishment for their bad behaviours then they will just keep doing the bad behaviours right?

Is that true?

Our judicial system is built on this belief. Punish the crime and it will stop. If punishment truly was an effective way of stopping unwanted behaviours and crime, then why are our jails not almost empty?

The problem is, punishment, at best, is only a deterrent to some individuals, and often only a temporary one, to the unwanted behaviours. Punishment does not address the CAUSE of the negative behaviour.

2. Rewards

When I graduated from Teacher’s College 25 years ago, there was a strong shift to manage children’s behaviour in a kinder way. Instead of punishing unwanted behaviours, we were encouraged to “catch them being good”. We freely and easily offered children words of praise every time they behaved in a way that we liked. Stickers were flying here, there, and everywhere, catching kids being good.

So what’s wrong with that?

I would suggest that rewarding our kids for good behaviour is simply the opposite side of the same coin. The goal is the same as punishment. The focus is still on changing the child’s behaviours, not addressing the cause of the behaviours.

Punishments and rewards are otherwise known as Behaviour Modification Strategies (BMS). At a deep, often unconscious level, parents may be using BMS because they want their child’s behaviour to change for personal reasons. In other words, “I want you to behave in a way that will make my life easier or so I can be a happy parent.”

Of course, there may be a more conscious and obvious reason like, “Behave how I want you to behave so you will grow up to be a civilized, respectful, and kind adult. That is my job so I need to use these strategies to ensure you turn out alright.”

That sounds like good intentions to me.

But let’s put this theory to ourselves….

Does threatening punishments and offering rewards make us, as adults, better people? If we are not acting the way our spouse wants us to act, is withdrawing love and attention, threatening to take away things like money or one of our prized possessions helpful? Will we act the way they want us to act if they only rewarded us with money, gifts, or taking us on a fun outing? Do these things make us want to jump up with sincere apologies and promise we will be “good” from now on?

Is this an effective way to create happy and highly functional adults who are living from their authentic selves?

I always say if we would not want it done to us then we have no business doing it to children. And yet we do.

Why is Behaviour Modification So Popular?

If Behaviour Modification Strategies are not addressing the cause of why children act out, then why are they so common and highly acceptable and often encouraged to be used in our homes and schools? Because in the short term, they work. As soon as we put a list of desired behaviours in front of a child and offer them stickers every time we see the “good behaviours” or when we threaten to take away privileges or possessions if we see the “bad behaviours”, then we will almost always instantly get what we desire: a child behaving the way we want them to behave.

Why Behaviour Modification Strategies Eventually Stop Working

There are several reasons why these strategies eventually stop working.

The child gets tired of their reward: When the “sticker” is no longer novel, then a new problem arises. The parent needs to find bigger, brighter and often more expensive “stickers” to keep the desired behaviours coming.
It is exhausting to police. Have you ever created a behaviour chart or a contract containing a list of do’s and don’ts to only discover that a week went by and you forgot about rewarding the behaviour or you didn’t have time to inflict the punishment as you were rushing out the door to work? Or the punishment was scheduled for the weekend and the weekend came and went and you forgot? Sigh. Yup, it’s exhausting! The point of the BMS is to change your child’s behaviour and yet often it is the adults that struggle to change their behaviours in order to implement the strategy.
Sometimes no reward or punishment will work. Why is that? Why are children suddenly willing to give up a prized possession or they no longer care about a previously enjoyed activity and instead will continue demonstrating the unpleasant behaviour?

Remember: Your child’s misbehaviour is not due to a lack of rewards or the absence of punishment. (If you want to more information and research on why BMS are not effective, you may want to read Punished by Rewards or other great parenting books by Alfie Cohen)

Why Behaviour Modification Strategies Are Not Effective at Supporting Children in Managing Their Unpleasant Behaviours

Behaviour Modifications Strategies do not address WHY your child is misbehaving.
These strategies create children dependent on extrinsic rewards in order to change their behaviours rather than using an intrinsic motivation to better understand themselves and learn how to manage their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviours.
It denies your child the opportunity to discover what is really going on underneath her negative emotions and challenging behaviour.
Most importantly, as parents, it is essential to realize that a child’s fit of anger, sadness, or anxiety are symptoms of a problem, not the problem itself.

Your Child’s Unmet Needs

“Unmet needs?” you may ask. What could a child need who is screaming at the top of her lungs over a toy? What need would siblings have who are punching each other on the floor? What could a child crying over homework need? What could a child who is refusing to finish his supper need?

When I ask parents this, many will share a very painful mental movie starring themselves in the lead role as “the victim.”

Why won’t my kids clean up? Stop fighting? Why won’t they get off their phone? Why won’t they do their homework? Finish eating the dinner I prepared for them? Go to bed on time?

“Because they are trying to control me!”

“Because they want to be the boss!”

“Because they are trying to embarrass me in front of my family!”

“Because they are punishing me for leaving their father.”

Or some other version of “My child is trying to make my life hell!”

Is this really what your child is thinking? Can you absolutely know it is true that your child’s difficult behaviour is about an attack on you or your authority? Can you absolutely know for certain what they are thinking?

I find when parents assume they know why their child is misbehaving and take their child’s behaviour personally, they then proceed to act in a very determined and unapologetic way which involves making their child’s life hell. Something like,

“I’m sorry but until you stop doing X or start doing Y, then this is the way it is going to be young man!”

Hell for hell. Is this really what you want happening in your home?

So why do we keep turning to these same strategies over and over if they are creating turmoil in the home, exhausting to implement and police and over the long run, don’t get us the results we want?

Because for most of us, it is all we know. Many well intended adults used these strategies on us and as we know We Parent the Way We Were Parented Unless We Choose Otherwise .

If we don’t use these strategies then what? Just let our kids do whatever they want whenever they want? We all know the nightmare that will occur if children are not disciplined and so we certainly don’t want that! Without punishments and rewards, what else is there?

Did I use punishments and rewards with my kids? Absolutely! After all, I have a degree in Child Psychology and I am a teacher. I was trained in “Behaviour Modification Strategies”. In fact I may still catch myself using a BMS with my children (and my students) in moments of pain, fatigue or desperation.

Over the years as a parent, I would see the distress, frustration and pain in my children’s eyes when I tried using charts and other behaviour modification strategies to get them to do what I wanted. Seeing their augmented anger and frustration brought back memories of when I was a child. I remember those painful times of not feeling heard or understood. I remember wondering in painful confusion why adults treated children like sub standardized humans. It was like there were entirely different rules for children than there were for adults. I would wonder how it was that adults would treat children in ways that they themselves would never want to be treated? I would wonder how it came to be that they appeared to have forgotten what it was like to be a kid?

When I was a child I made myself a promise that when I finally became an adult, I would never forget what it was like to be a kid. I promised myself that I would treat kids, especially my children, the way I would want to be treated.

How did I do with keeping my childhood promises? For many years, not that well I am afraid.

However it was in the painful days of threatening punishments or bribing my children with rewards, policing charts and then dealing with challenging behaviours that wouldn’t go away, that I would remember my promise. These painful parenting moments propelled me to seek more humane ways to discover what was really going on under the temper tantrums, the hitting or defiance.

I needed more information, a better understanding of what was happening for them and most importantly, I needed skills in order to more effectively and compassionately address their undesirable behaviours.

As I read books, attended workshops, took courses and sought out mentors, I discovered that there were reasons that explained why my children sometimes acted in unpleasant ways. Children are acting out in order to get their needs met. But what could my child’s needs be?

My experience is that this can be challenging to figure out. In fact you may have asked your child “Why are you behaving this way?” only to be answered with silence, a grunt or at best an, “I dunno.” On the surface, that is likely true. Just like adults, many times we may act out in a way that leaves us wondering and asking ourselves, “What was I thinking? Why did I do that?”

It takes skills to know how to lead a child inward to find the answer.

Why Do We Experience Negative Emotions?

As adults, I have noticed we do the exact same thing that we want to stop our children from doing. We are all going about our day trying to get our needs met and when they are not, we experience a negative emotion. Negative emotions are uncomfortable and if we investigate them further, are accompanied by painful thoughts. These thoughts or stories repeat over and over in our minds and often involve some element regarding why something should or should not have happened. We then behave in ways and make choices that many people around us do not enjoy, sometimes including ourselves.

Addressing Our Child’s Needs Rather Than Their Behaviour

How do you make the shift from managing your children’s behaviours to addressing their needs? How do you find out what is really going on with your children when they are acting out?

Using Nonviolent Communication to Support Our Children Through Challenges

Many parents fall into the trap of believing that punishments and rewards are their only options.

This is not true.

Several years ago I discovered Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It completely changed my life for the better. At first I used it to find more loving and compassionate ways to speak to my children (and students). I thought that is where this communication tool ended. After continuing my training in NVC, I have come to realize that it is far more than just a way to speak to others in order to reduce conflict. It is a highly effective tool that has the potential to bring peaceful resolutions between you and your family members (as well as within any relationship). It is a tool that can be used to bring peace within yourself.

I include an introduction to Nonviolent Communication in my 8-part parenting workshop that will resume again in September 2020. Until then, I am running a mini 4-part workshop for parents over the month of June.

If you are interested in

Reducing conflict in your home
No longer trying to decide appropriate punishments or rewards in order to get your kids to do what you want them to do.
No longer exhausting yourself policing behaviour charts and enforcing consequences
Feeling more confident as a parent
Improving communication between you and your child
Creating a more loving relationship with your child based on mutual respect
Creating more peace in your home and within yourself

Then join me and other parents seeking a more compassionate way to parent, just like you for

4 Tuesday evenings starting June 2 at 8:30pm

(an early morning gathering is also available upon request)

Check out my website by clicking HERE for more details.

Let’s make this summer at home with your children an enjoyable and peaceful one!

I Need Help With My Child’s Behaviours!