How to Support Kids in Conflict
“Would You Just Stop Fighting!”
(Note to the reader: This article is a continuation of my previous article entitled, “What Painful Emotions Can Tell Us”)
As I am assigning my grade 3 students an exercise, Dallas comes into the room. He looks deeply annoyed and frustrated. I smile at him and tell him I am so glad he is back (from the office.). He comes over to start explaining to me his version of what happened. While the students are busy with their assigned tasks, I attempt to make a connection with Dallas.
“I am sensing you are really frustrated and annoyed. Do you think you said that at recess because you really wanted others to understand your need for privacy?” (Dallas threatened some classmates to get them to keep a secret.)
Dallas pauses and ponders. “Kinda,”
(“Kinda,” tells me that my guess isn’t quite right)
“It’s just so frustrating that nobody understands. I am alone at recess a lot. I keep trying but they don’t want me to play with them.”
“Ah, so you are feeling frustrated and perhaps a bit lonely? Is that it?”
“Ya,” Dallas looks glances at me, and lets out a big sigh.
“So, it sounds like you were looking for a connection with your classmates? Is it that you just want to feel like you belong?”
“Ya!” Dallas’ eyes light up. He looks at me with relief that someone finally gets it.
“Thank you for sharing that with me Dallas. Would you like a hug?” He instantly melts into my arms.
Many of us are uncomfortable with anger and even more so, conflict. In my last article, What Painful Emotions Can Tell Us, I shared a story about one of my students, “Dallas” who was experiencing a lot of anger. In the article, I shared a story of teaching my students a new perspective on anger. My goal is to teach students and my clients a new way of perceiving anger and the person who is experiencing the anger. I invite them to use curiosity and empathy instead of judgment and annoyance.
We can use empathy to connect to someone else’s struggle. We all have experienced anger; we all know how uncomfortable or painful it can feel. Instead of seeing anger as bad, we can see anger as a SIGNAL that there is a message wanting to be heard involving an unmet need. Now can we get curious and wonder what need is not being met for this person? Even though we might not be enjoying the behaviour, like making threats, instead of taking it personally and becoming offended or retaliating in defense, we can see the behaviour as a STRATEGY to get a need met.
Conflict can ONLY happen at the level of STRATEGY. In other words, when we are fighting with another person, we are fighting over whose strategy gets to win. When we meet an upset person at the level of need, it is amazing what happens. We connect as human beings. Often, simply recognizing the other person’s need such as a need for belonging, eliminates the unwanted strategy, or behaviour. There is now no need to try to control behaviour through punishments and rewards.
When I connected to Dallas using empathy and curiosity, I was able to help him recognize what was really fueling this unpleasant behaviour, which was the need to belong. He did not need to use anger and threaten me. I was not interested in arguing about his behaviour. Experience has told me that this would only aggravate him more, increasing the chances of more of the same unwanted behaviour. Instead, I was interested in connecting to this child who clearly was suffering to the point that he needed to threaten his classmates at recess.
Now back to the classroom…
One of the students who was threatened at recess came over to us. She is filled with anger and starts to explain her side of the story.
Suddenly I find myself in a conflict mediation situation.
As a teacher and a parent one of the things I have disliked the most is managing conflicts. My degrees in Child Psychology and Education filled me with a great deal of information about child development and behaviour but I did not learn the skills required to effectively support others in conflict. I arrived in the teaching profession, and parenting, with a strong sense of incompetency when kids were fighting.
I thought my job was to get them to stop fighting as soon as possible. I was wrong.
Teaching used to exhaust me because, at the core of the job, my number one mission seemed to be to control behaviour. Controlling children's behaviour when they are fighting is exhausting. Who was right? Who was wrong? Who needs to be punished? Who needs to be ignored? Children screaming. “that’s not fair!” Was it fair? Not fair? I didn’t know. Most of the time I didn’t even witness what had happened. Which one do I believe? Please, please just get them to stop fighting! I just want to get back to the business of teaching!
I knew there had to be a better way, not just for my benefit but especially for my students. I would often hear myself saying things that I heard adults say to me when I was a kid that I did not enjoy. I knew I had to break this cycle for the next generation..
I sought out a completely new way to perceive and support conflict.
I no longer see conflict as bad or as something to avoid. Instead, I view it as a gift.
A gift? How is that possible?
Because conflict offers us gifts like greater self-awareness and potential for a deeper connection with others.
Mediating the Conflict
I am sitting on a stool on the carpet. As Dallas and Malinda are standing beside me, Malinda starts explaining her side of the story and Dallas immediately starts talking over the top of her. Their need to be heard is making them both get louder and louder.
I interrupt by saying, “It sounds like you both really have a need to be heard and understood. Is that right?”
They agree.
I ask, “Would you be willing to allow me to help you accomplish that?”
Their eyes light up, followed by Malinda immediately going back to offering her side of the story.
I interrupt Malinda by telling her she now has an important job. “If you want to be heard, then first I want you to listen to Dallas without interrupting and when he is done, I am going to ask you what you heard him say. Have you got that?” She nods. Then I ask Dallas, “Please tell Malinda what you really want her to hear and understand.”
Since Dallas already felt heard and understood by me, he is fairly calm and is able to express himself well. When he is done, I turn to Malinda and say, “I heard Dallas say that he asked to play with you and your friends and you ignored him. He then started telling the group a story then told everyone to keep it a secret. What did you hear?”
Malinda quickly responded with, “No, that’s not what happened! He…”. I interrupt her and remind her that her job right now is not to tell me her story or to even agree with Dallas, but to tell me what she heard Dallas say. That’s all. Malinda takes a deep breath and says what she heard Dallas say.
“Is that it Dallas? Did Malinda get it right?”
“Yes but not all of it.”
“Ok then, would you be willing to repeat what she missed so Malinda can try again?”
The process is repeated, and this time Dallas is satisfied that Malinda heard him correctly.
Now it is Dallas’ turn to listen. After Malinda shares her story, I shared with Dallas what I heard Malinda say and then asked Dallas what he heard.
What happens next is still amazing to me to witness and is a demonstration of the fact that we all hear each other through our own filters and beliefs. Especially the beliefs we have about ourselves.
Dallas shares that he heard Malinda say that nobody likes him and that Malinda did not want him to play with the group.
Fascinating! I never heard any of those words come out of Malinda’s mouth.
“Malinda, does it sound like Dallas heard you?” Malinda annoyingly says, “I never said any of that!” I ask Malinda if she would be willing to repeat what she said and reminded Dallas his only job is to tell me the words he heard Malinda say. “Your job is not to agree, your job is to hear Malinda. That’s it.”
On Dallas’ second attempt, I see something shift in his eyes. His shoulders come down and when he is done he lets out a big sigh. It is as if he seems exhausted by the realization of how much his first version contrasts with what Malinda really said. It is almost like a piece of his own self-image crumbled just a bit. He appears fragile and vulnerable with this moment of conflicting perceptions.
I give him time to process his realization by simply letting out a deep sigh of understanding. I then say, “That was a lot huh? Realizing someone else sees you differently than you see you? I am wondering if that is what’s happening for you now?”
Dallas slightly nods his head yes. I ask, “Is it that others don’t like you or you don’t like you? Which feels true or truer?”
“I guess sometimes I don’t like me.” Dallas says quietly.
“Ya.” (silence) “That sounds painful to me. I am wondering if you would be willing to pick a different story about yourself.” I pause. “I wonder what would happen if you started believing that you are great and that others enjoy playing with you. I wonder what would happen if you believed those thoughts instead?”
My job is never to judge who is right or wrong or who needs to be punished. My job is to allow myself to see past their stories and simply feel love and connection to them both. From that perception, I can guide both of them to see past each other’s stories and connect to the fellow human being in front of them, and most importantly, connect to themselves.
The class is getting rowdy as they are all finishing up their work. I have ignored them as long as I dare. I was fortunate to have this time to talk with Dallas and Malinda and help them connect. If someone could magically take over the class there is so much more I would say and do to support my students. Yet in a very short time, these two went from fighting over strategies to hearing one another’s needs of shared understanding and belonging.
In addition, I no longer need to punish Dallas to ensure his strategy of making threats no longer occurs (the painful and frequently faulty goal of punishment). Now that his need was recognized as well as the thinking that motivated the behaviour, his strategy of giving threats is no longer needed.
I can hear my fellow teachers say, “but what about the time it takes to do this? Who has that kind of time when there are twenty-five other kids needing your attention?”
I have mastered shorter versions of what I just shared. However, I also teach these skills to the students within the context of Health, Drama (role-play conflict), and even music. I make it a part of the day’s instructional time so that when conflict occurs, I remind them of the skills they practiced in class so that they know how to switch from anger and retaliation to compassion and curiosity.
Do you want to become skilled in mediating kids in conflict?
I can help you discover the many ways you can become skilled and confident with conflict.
I can even assist you in experiencing the gift conflicts offer us.
Together let’s bring more peace to ourselves and the next generation of adults.
