What Painful Emotions Can Tell Us

"You Better Not Tell Or Else I'll..."

I arrive at one of my primary classes and begin my afternoon as I always do, by taking attendance. I could not locate a student who was marked present that morning so I asked the class, 

“Does anyone know where Dallas is?”

 “Yup!” calls out several students, eager to be the first to tell me that, “Dallas is at the office!”

Then a student comes to me to explain in detail what happened at recess and why Dallas got sent to the office.

“Dallas was telling some of us a story at recess and then he said, ‘You better not tell anyone or else I’ll kill you!’” 

“Oh dear,” I sigh, “It sounds like Dallas had another moment of forgetting how great he is.” Inside my head, I sigh the word, “again” with a bit of exhaustion. Dallas forgetting his own self-worth is an ongoing challenge. “Ok, thanks for telling me,” I say to the student reporter.

I finish up the attendance and then ask everyone to come to the carpet and bring their Health folders. I have a lesson all planned for them, but this is a teachable moment I cannot pass up. My original lesson plan will need to be put on hold.

Once everyone is seated I ask them to get out their Feelings and Needs sheets. I explain that it seems to me that there is someone in our class that needs some empathy and compassion…

This past school year, my teaching assignment shifted from teaching music and drama to teaching music and health. I was actually delighted in the change as I instantly knew my focus would be on teaching mental health to my primary students. 

Nonviolent Communication

Alongside teaching, leading communication workshops, and private counseling, I continue to learn and teach Nonviolent Communication. I am constantly finding ways to teach my students all that I have learned into age-appropriate lessons.  Communication skills are at the foundation of healthy relationships with ourselves and with others and are critical to creating and maintaining mental health.

Now, back to my primary class on the carpet… 

Feelings & Needs

After they get out their Feelings and Needs sheets, I ask the class how can we respond empathetically and compassionately to someone who says something like, “‘You better not tell or else I’ll kill you?’ What is really going on here?”

The class becomes quieter, some are looking at their sheets and a few are chatting to themselves. Then Malinda says the magic words, “Take a deep breath and get curious?”

“Absolutely,” I say. “I am so glad you came to school today.” Then I ask,

“How do most of us usually respond to someone who says something like, ‘don’t tell or else’?”

Instantly I hear answers like, 

“Get angry”

 “Fight back”

“Tell the teacher?”

“Exactly, so why are we going to take a deep break and get curious instead? I mean it’s not ok to say things like that right? Don’t we have to punish a student who says things like that? Won’t punishment fix this and stop him from doing that again?” (This is when I hope I am planting the seed in them to realize that punishment rarely gets us what we want. After all, if punishment truly worked, then wouldn’t our jails be practically empty or at best only contain first-time offenders?)

Malinda, who is mastering NVC skills at a very young age, offers, “Because a kid yelling something like that is really just trying to get a need met?”

Marshall Rosenberg

The founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Marshall Rosenberg, believed that everything we do is in service of our needs. Regardless if we are aware of it or not, our behaviours, both pleasant and unpleasant, are occurring in order to get our needs met.

For example, volunteering might meet our need for contribution and community, listening to a friend might meet our need for connection and shared understanding while taking a dance class might meet our need for aliveness and mastery. At the same time, unpleasant behaviours like yelling may be an attempt at meeting our need for recognition and appreciation, bragging may be about meeting our need for self-worth and respect while lying to a friend or “being a bully” might be an attempt to meet our need for acceptance and belonging. (Imagine what would happen if we started assisting “bullies” in discovering their unmet needs and helped them choose more loving strategies to get their needs met, instead of continually punishing them, which in turn often amplifies the destructive behaviour.)

With an NVC lens…

we begin to see all behaviours as strategies for getting our needs met.

Now back to my class…

“Yes, Malinda! Ding, ding, ding!” I often make game show sounds when students offer answers that make my heart sing. “Remember, we can fight with and punish a strategy OR we can get curious about what needs they are trying to get met. I wonder what would happen if we connected to other people’s needs instead of fighting with their strategies… hmmm” I pause and look upwards, not only giving my students much-needed processing time but visually demonstrating the value in pausing and pondering frequently during a discussion. Silence gives space for deep realizations.

“Ok so let’s all take a deep breath and get curious…” Many students join me in closing their eyes and taking a deep breath, pausing and guiding their curiosity inward.

“What do you think someone might be FEELING if they are saying something like, ‘You better not tell or else…?’ Look at your feelings list and just call out some words.”

“Angry? Mad? Frustrated? Scared? Lonely?

“Yes,” I agree, “Now since all the ones you called out are unpleasant feelings, what does that tell us?”

“There is an unmet need?”

“Bingo!” My heart is expanding as I witness what appears to be evidence of teaching them about “Feelings and Needs” over the past year is finally starting to become evident in their answers.

“Now, remember,” I say, “we are not trying to find excuses for someone’s behaviour and we are certainly NOT suggesting it is ok to talk like that to others.”

When I teach NVC to adults, I find one of the biggest hurdles for many people is letting go of the fear that NVC is making excuses for “bad behaviour.” We are not finding excuses, we are using empathy and compassion to make a connection with a human who is experiencing disconnect, and then address the true cause rather than manage symptoms. When we address needs, the undesirable behaviours or strategies are no longer required by the distressed person.

“Ok so now let’s all take another deep breath and get curious… what NEEDS might someone be trying to get met by using the strategy ‘You better not tell or else…? Look at your Needs list. What do think?” 

“Friendship?”

“Shared understanding?”

“Belonging?”

“Respect?”

“Yes,” I agree, “It could be all or any of those or even other ones on the list. Remember the good news is we don’t need to know if we are right or not. If the person who is distressed was here right now we could ask him. Does anyone remember how we can tell if we have guessed their need accurately?”

Silence…

Ok, so I couldn’t expect these 8 and 9-year-old students to remember all that I taught them over the past ten months in one lesson. So I remind them, “If we guess someone’s needs their body will tell us if we got it right. When we connect to people’s needs their eyes usually look up, their shoulders lift and they often let out a big sigh of relief.”

“Now let’s review this again when someone behaves in a way we think is mean, we can fight with and try to control their strategy OR we can use empathy and compassion to get curious about their feelings and needs and connect with them rather than their behaviour. So what do you think would happen if someone said ‘Don’t tell or else’ and we stopped and got curious instead of fighting with them?”

I am now doing my pause and ponder pose. As I look down out of the corner of my eyes still trying to hold my upward glance, I see several students chatting and now their hands are raising with requests to go to the washroom or get a drink. I have maxed out my students’ attention. Clearly, that’s enough talking for now. I am still very grateful for the discussion and the answers I heard in this impromptu lesson.

As I am assigning them the exercise I originally had planned, Dallas comes into the room. He looks deeply annoyed and frustrated. I smile at him and tell him I am so glad he is back. He comes over to start explaining to me his version of what just happened.

While the students are busy with their assigned tasks, I attempt to make a connection with Dallas.

“I am sensing you are really frustrated and annoyed? Is it that you wanted others to understand your need for privacy?”

Dallas pauses and ponders. “Kinda, it is just so frustrating that nobody understands. I am alone at recess a lot. I keep trying but they don’t want me to play with them.”

“Ah, so you are feeling frustrated and perhaps a bit lonely? Is that it?”

“Ya,” Dallas looks glances at me and lets out a big sigh.

“So it sounds like you were looking for a connection with your classmates? Perhaps a sense of belonging?”

“Ya!” Dallas’ eyes light up and look at me with relief.

“Thank you for sharing this with me Dallas. Would you like a hug?” He instantly melts into my arms.

I desperately want to start talking about other strategies Dallas could consider in order to get his needs met. Using socially unacceptable strategies to meet a need for friendship or a sense of belonging is a common problem among students who are labeled as “behaviour problem” students. Unfortunately, Dallas is too emotionally depleted. This is not the time.

Then one of the students he was in conflict with comes over. She seems irritated and starts to explain her side of the story at recess.

Suddenly I find myself in a conflict mediation situation. As a teacher, I used to despise conflicts. It was the part of the job I disliked the most and felt the most unqualified and unskilled in as a teacher - until NVC.

Want to hear how I mediated this conflict? Then be sure to read my next article where I share my skills for addressing conflict.

In the meantime, please share your stories about a time your feelings and needs were not acknowledged. Perhaps as a child or as an adult in the comment section at the bottom of this article.

If you are ready to experience painful emotions in a whole new way, contact me.