Read the Directions? Who Does That?

Over the spring break, my two youngest children spent a few days visiting our (previous) nanny, Shayna, who is now married with a two-year-old and a 4-month-old. When I went to pick up the girls, I decided I would bring eggs and an egg decorating kit. I thought it would be a fun thing to do with her son Caleb.

Shayna agreed and boiled the eggs for us while Grace and I set up the egg decorating station with the various items I brought along including the $2 egg decorating kit. Shayna asked if we needed anything else and I assured her no, this was it. We’re good. After all, I have been egg decorating with my kids for 20 years. I got this!

After putting a coloured tablet and hot water in each of our containers, Caleb, along with my daughter Grace and I, used the clear wax crayon to put some markings on the eggs and then began dunking them into the coloured water. A couple of eggs came out fairly bright, but the rest were pale. “Yup, they turned out just the same way they turn out every year,” I thought. After our dozen eggs were done, Shayna displayed them in a bowl. Not bad.

I had bought extra eggs and another kit for our home in case anyone wanted to keep up with our annual tradition. The next day Grace thought she would like to decorate eggs so I started boiling the water. Grace then made a profound declaration. She said, “I think this time we should read the directions. I am going to get out measuring cups and follow the directions exactly to see if it makes a difference.”

What?” I said, “Read the direction? Who does that?”

“I know right?” Grace replied with a chuckle in her voice along with an eye roll, shoulder lift and slight shake of the head.

“I think I vaguely remember that teachers teach kids to read the direction first - don’t they?” I asked. “Ya,” Grace said, “I think I remember hearing that at school a couple of times.”

After our chuckle, Grace read the directions on the back of the box and it turns out that 4 of the 6 colours require vinegar. Vinegar? What? 

Grace and I laughed. Then Grace proceeded to decorate the eggs following the simple directions on the box. I watched in awe as she lifted her eggs out of the various dishes. They were all vibrant with colour. She then double-dipped a few resulting in several different shades of more vibrant colours.

I must admit…

there is a small part of me that doesn’t find this story easy to confess. That same part of me that quickly started saying things like, “Really? You have been painting eggs with your kids for 20 years and it never occurred to you to figure out why they ended up so pale in colour? Aren’t you a teacher? Wow, that’s pathetic.” Then my mind started searching for excuses and people to blame to free me of this embarrassing moment. This cannot be my fault!   

I have wrestled with this painful voice many times before. I believe this painful voice is no stranger to most of us. Fortunately, I have weakened this voice over the years, using many strategies to build my mental health muscle when my self-sabotaging voice arises. So I responded the way I have learned that works well. 

I laughed out loud. As I lovingly laughed at myself, I said to Grace, “Imagine, all these years I never realized we needed vinegar! It never occurred to me to read the directions because I thought I knew what needed to be done: put hot water with the food colouring tablets to dissolve them. That’s it. I mean, obviously! I thought the eggs came out pale because it was a cheap kit. And to think how many times I have reminded students, sometimes with an impatient voice, to ‘read the directions!’  What d’ ya know? Turns out I don’t always walk my talk!” Then I added with a grin, “This must be shocking for you to realize Grace since I am guessing you thought your mom was almost perfect! Right?”

“Ya, right, almost perfect,” Grace responded with another eye roll and smile. 

We both shared another laugh and I squeezed her tight, kissing her on the forehead, thanking her for her wisdom and sense of humour. 

So what wisdom surfaced from this egg decorating activity?

Walk the talk with clear intention. Whenever we are asking or expecting children or adults to do something, it is wise to check in: are we doing it ourselves? If not, acknowledge that. Embrace it. The more conscious and compassionate we become to our own shortcomings, the more we can offer that same compassion to others when they don’t do what we expect or desire, like “read the directions!’ 

How can we become conscious over something we are not conscious of in ourselves you ask? My experience is that whenever someone else’s behaviour triggers us, go there. Look there. Stop and ask,  “what can this teach me about myself?”  Stop searching your mind for excuses or looking outwards for someone to blame. These are often the moments we catch ourselves in a state of hypocrisy, like not reading directions but expecting everyone else to. We can beat ourselves up or we can be grateful for this gift of awareness. Greater self-awareness is a prerequisite for compassion and forgiveness towards others. 

Making assumptions that we already know the answers. This one is an easy trap to fall into for many of us, especially the older we get. How many times do we catch ourselves believing the thought that since we have been doing something for years, or we are the adult or parent, we already know it all?

“Knowing it all” robs our children, and others, of many wonderful moments of connection, deeper understanding and self-confidence.

I love how often my young students teach me something. When they do, I often reply with words like, “Thank you for sharing that with me, I am so glad you came to school today!” It is a moment of wonderful connection when we celebrate in the sharing of our collective wisdom. 

I am very grateful for the many times my own kids have shared and continue to share their wisdom with me. It makes parenting so much easier when I don’t have to always know more than them. It also meets their need for purpose, meaning, and self-confidence when we can celebrate their learning and contributions together. 

Laughing at our own mistakes. I can not stress enough how much more enjoyable laughter is than self-sabotage, self-defense, or blame. I remember the first time I truly experienced the freedom of this truth. My husband and I were still dating at the time. I had been ranting in his car about someone while driving home from an event. I can’t even remember who or anything about the story. What I do remember is feeling full of frustration and impatience. As we drove into his parents’ yard, something in our conversation shifted and I remember Scott pointing out my own hypocrisy. He got out of the car laughing saying something like, “Oh, so it’s not ok for others to do that but you can?” I was immediately filled with anger and embarrassment. I remember quickly getting out of the car and standing in the yard wanting to throw something at him saying in defense, “No, that’s not the same, this is different!” Scott laughed even more and said, “Oh yes, this is completely different alright.” I remember yelling, “Stop laughing, it’s not funny!” 

Then it happened.

I started to laugh. I suddenly witnessed myself in a way I had never experienced before. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I could see myself standing in the yard, defending my own insanity.

I noticed how exhausting it was trying to be right and trying to make Scott wrong. I suddenly just let go of the need to be right and a warm blanket of peace washed over me.  Scott must have witnessed a sudden change in me because his eyes lit up with celebration. “See?” he said, “See how much more fun it is to just laugh at your mistakes? Stop being so serious. Just laugh.” He was right. It was easier. I had tears in my eyes and suddenly I wasn’t sure if I was laughing or crying. I think both were happening simultaneously as this powerful realization released so much tension and stress out of my body. I felt like I could float. When the tears and laughter stopped, I was overwhelmed with fatigue. I had no idea how exhausting trying to be right all the time truly was. 

I wish I could say that was the end of that life lesson. Nope, it was just the beginning. It turns out being aware of something is one thing, living it day to day is a whole-nother ball game. But thirty years later, along with one wise husband, 4 amazing kids and a whole lot of conscious intention and follow-through to live the best version of me, laughing at my mistakes comes easily and effortlessly - most days. Just like every other human, I am a work in progress. 

So, the next time you catch yourself in an uncomfortable moment of hypocrisy, oversight, not knowing, or making a mistake…

Embrace it!

Use any moments of discomfort as a loving sign, like a flashing arrow pointing inwards saying “look here” or imagine a red neon sign flashing “investigate!” Instead of blaming others or blaming yourself, take a deep breath and get curious. What does this painful feeling mean for you? What is it trying to tell you?

The universe is knocking. Open the door while it is still a gentle knock. Ignoring it can result in our invitations to self-realization to show up in more painful and profound ways like severe illness or loss. 

And if all else fails, just remember: read the directions!